


The Doctor’s 500 Year Diary

by aralias



Category: Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Chick lit, Crack, In the style of Bridget Jones Diary, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-19
Updated: 2011-04-19
Packaged: 2017-10-18 09:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/187535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aralias/pseuds/aralias
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the course of the years recorded (unclear exactly how many), the Doctor confides his hopes, his dreams, his assessment of his wardrobe choices (v.g.) and his continual frustrations with the Time Lords - particularly the one who keeps annoyingly coming to visit him (no, not his brother - the other one). It's difficult enough to keep his new regeneration resolutions already...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Doctor’s 500 Year Diary

New Regeneration Resolutions

 **I won’t:**  
\- Regenerate again for at least another 500 years. Stupid Time Lords. Rather like this regeneration now, though.  
\- Ask for help from the Time Lords again.  
\- Take up another instrument.  
\- Go years without a haircut.  
\- Hold trousers up/coat closed with string.  
\- Kidnap any more bright young humans/humanoids.  
\- Fall for dangerous men with ridiculous facial hair. Stupid War Chief.  
\- Develop any ridiculous verbal quirks.

 **I will:**  
\- Get off Earth. Stupid Time Lords.  
\- Fix the TARDIS.  
\- Consider getting pension.  
\- Give up all clothes that have not worn for 300 years, and give to charity.  
\- Ditto books have not read.  
\- Ditto statues/artworks have not looked at.  
\- Generally purge TARDIS of useless rubbish accumulated by previous selves.  
\- Make better use of time.  
\- Try not to interfere in people’s lives unless they ask politely.  
\- Learn to programme video.

 **1st January 1972** (approx. Never sure of date).  
 _Regenerations: 1. Alien invasions foiled: 1 (v.g.) New jobs: 1. Snazzy new outfit: 1. Snazzy new outfits paid for: 0 (v.g.)_

The Brigadier has given me a job at UNIT following my defeat of the Nestene consciousness. V generous of him, as had nowhere else to go. Had not been looking forward to working in Sainsbury’s until the Time Lords decided to stop this nonsense. My official title is ‘Scientific advisor’, but the Brigadier assures me he never wants to be advised about science, only about how to stop aliens taking over the world. Suggested that ‘Alien stopping advisor’ would be more appropriate or even ‘official hero’, but he said no. Have also been given lovely new assistant, Liz, to help pass any test tubes I need. V thoughtful.

 **9th March 1972** (approx)  
Hmm. Must remember to write in diary more often.

New job progressing well. Am very popular amongst staff (particularly Liz – have promised to take her to see the stars when TARDIS is fixed)(not the same as kidnapping her) and not at all popular among alien invaders. Still haven’t fixed the TARDIS, but sure exile can’t last for long…

 **28th November 1972** (approx).  
 _Assistants lost: 1. Alcohol units: 1 (v. bad). Snazzy outfits: Who cares??? As if the Brigadier/Benton/Yates can appreciate it (blue velvet and cream shirt. V.g.)_

LIZ HAS GONE!

 **2nd January 1973** (approx)  
 **9am:** Have been given new assistant. Told Brigadier I had been quite content with the hat he’d given me for Christmas, but he insisted. Apparently have been making everyone miserable with constant demands to rescue Liz from Cambridge.

 **10am:** New assistant has already ruined experiment. Told Brigadier to take her back, and get a second hat if he felt he owed me another present, but he was having none of it.

 **11am:** Bloody Autons again. Why won’t they leave me alone?

 **2pm:** Brax turned up to gloat. Looked ridiculous hovering in mid-air (though can’t deny the bowler hat was a good look. May adopt for self in another regeneration), and said some unfair things about my exam results, which fortunately no one was around to hear. Apparently the Master is behind the Auton invasion. Typical of the Time Lords: exile me, but let that unimaginative plodder loose on an unsuspecting universe. Thanked Brax for this useful information, and told him to sod off.

 **10pm:** Autons defeated. Again. And stranded the Master on Earth. Quite enjoyed chance to match wits with a (near) equal. Said as much to the Brigadier, who looked worried, but told him about my new regeneration resolutions and assured him everything was all right. Certainly not interested in Koschei romantically.

New assistant, Jo, actually v sweet. After helping save the world, she offered to help cleanse my wardrobe. Have leant her several fluffy coats, which is much like giving to charity.

 **3rd January, 1973** (approx)  
Went shopping with Jo as reward for saving universe. Have bought several new jackets in various cuts and colours of velvet.

 **14 February, 1973** (approx)  
 _Valentine’s day cards: 1 (from Jo. Not bad, but have seen the Brigadier, Benton, Yates and various other members of male and female staff with similar looking cards, so clearly not special). Alien invasions foiled: 0 (bad)._

 **5pm:** Bored. No aliens. Jo out on date with Captain Yates. Could fix TARDIS, I suppose, but what’s the point?

 **6pm:** Just occurred to me the Master is still stuck on Earth too. Wonder what he’s up to…

 **7pm:** Probably something nefarious.

 **8pm:** Maybe I should go out on the town. Look around for alien invasions to foil.

 **11pm:** Didn’t find aliens, but did find Jo and Yates in v. nice restaurant. Affected surprise, and offered to leave if was ruining the atmosphere, but Jo insisted I stay.

 **15th February, 1973** (approx)  
 **9am:** Yates surprisingly cool towards me this morning. Not sure he is the sort of man Jo should be going out with.

 **28th March, 1973** (approx)  
 _Alien invasions foiled: 1 (but only the Master). Worst fears faced: 1. Snazzy outfits worn: 1 (maroon velvet. Could see Master was impressed). Parts of the Master’s TARDIS lost: 1 (bad)_

 **6pm:** Master just called to gloat about not being stuck on Earth any more. Glad I foiled his stupid plan.

 **7pm:** Maybe I should work on the TARDIS some more.

 **11pm:** Accepted the Brigadier’s offer of dinner. Was surprised to find he had a charming wife of some years, as had assumed he and Liz were dating. Luckily did not say this out loud, as fear this would have been my last invitation at the Lethbridge-Stewarts, and thoroughly enjoyed self.

 **12pm:** Just went to bed, and found a note from the Master reading ‘Ha ha ha’ on the pillow. He must have materialised in my bedroom while I was out. What a strange man.

 **23rd June, 1973** (approx)  
 **6pm:** Rather embarrassing day. Saved Earth from invasion, as always, but had planned escape for self as well. This ended in my TARDIS crash landing, and me being covered in soot. And not escaping from Earth obviously. Also had to promise Master would leave with him, and then renege on this offer. Feel a bit bad about this.

 **7pm:** Still feel bad.

 **8pm:** Rang Jo to talk about feelings, but she was out. Not sure what to do. Could talk to the Brigadier, I suppose.

 **8.10pm:** Ha. As if.

 **10pm:** Was just sitting around when the Master dropped in. Again. Can’t really remember the details, but it ended with him asking me on a date. Turned him down, of course. (V. good). But still.

 **10.30pm:** Apparently he ‘likes me just as I am’. Knew it was a good regeneration.

 **11pm:** Jo has just got back with Yates. Not too keen on sharing intimate personal details with Yates, but felt the situation needed to be addressed as soon as possible. Jo said that she has always suspected the Master was a gentleman, and that it was very nice of him to say what he did. Yates pointed out I hated the Master.

 **11.30pm:** Yates is probably right.

 **13th August, 1973** (approx)  
 _Trips off Earth: 1!!!! (EXCELLENT). Alien invasions of Earth foiled: 0 (NOT ON EARTH TODAY). Master foiled: 1 (v.g). Proposals rejected: 1._

 **5pm:** Today the Time Lords granted me temporary parole! But only to stop the Master. Not sure why they needed me: they do have a whole agency for this sort of thing. Unless Brax has been spreading gossip about me.

 **5.30pm:** Surely no way for Brax and Jo to communicate, though.

 **5.40pm:** Am not going to tell Jo about the Master's most recent offer anyway. Just in case.

 **7pm:** Went to look at wardrobe again in the hope of getting rid of some clothes, but clearly need all of them. What if I land in ancient Rome? Or regenerate into a woman? Must be prepared for all eventualities. Started to sort through library books, but found this too depressing and just went to see what Jo was doing.

 **10pm:** Told Jo about the Master’s proposal. We both agreed that half a universe would give us significantly more wardrobe space, but that this wasn’t a good reason to accept a proposal from a ruthless megalomaniac, even if he is quite attractive and v polite. Am too young to get married/rule the universe anyway. Asked Jo if she’d heard from my brother recently, and she got very excited and said she didn’t know I had a brother, so not sure what has been going on.

 **10.30pm:** Unless the Master has been telling people about me. Can’t bear the thought of Runcible broadcasting about my relationships on Gallifrey, without me getting the right of reply. I hope he’s telling them I’ve refused.

 **1st May, 1976** (not sure what is going on, as was clearly May day today, but internal calendar says October. No longer sure about year either)  
 _Masters foiled: 1. Ridiculous human suspicions proved incorrect: too many to count. Offers of universal dominion: 1 (though not from Master). Number of times Brigadier has given me suspicious look: 4 (v. bad)._

 **6pm:** Installed Master in nice cell. He asked whether I would visit him, and I said, ‘I don’t think so, do you?’ He just laughed, causing the Brigadier to give me a suspcious look. Fortunately he was too discrete to ask me what that was about.

 **9pm:** Wonder if it is too late to go and visit the Master…

 **9.30pm:** Asked the Brigadier, who said yes with another suspicious look. Will go tomorrow.

 **2nd May/October, 1976** (approx)  
 **9am:** Ready to go and visit the Master. Have dressed carefully, but not so well as to imply that I have taken special effort.

 **9.30am:** At prison, but visiting hours don’t start till 11. Not sure what to do.

 **9.45am:** In nearby café drinking tea. Perhaps I should get a present for the Master to cheer him up a bit. Shops clearly open already.

 **4.30pm:** Back in café after good shopping trip. Panicked and bought Master a Betamax recording of the Clangers (clearly must be later than 1973, as Betamax would not be invented yet if it was), and a new- Whoops.

 **6pm:** Back at UNIT HQ after v quick trip to see Master. Had forgotten visiting hours finished at 5. He seemed pleased with the Clangers tape, though.

 **26th June 1976** (approx)  
 _Sword fights won: 2. Earths saved: 1 (v.g. as obviously there is only 1 to save). Times Master touched self: 5 (not inappropriately. Most during sword fight). Times accidentally touched Master: 3 (bad). Master escapes: 2 (whereabouts currently unknown)._

 **10pm:** Feeling a bit dismal, despite saving of Earth. Was going to go and eat some Ben  & Jerry’s to cheer self up, but remembered the company wasn’t due to be founded for another 10 years.

 **11pm:** Perhaps could ring Ben and/or Jerry and inspire them to begin the company a bit earlier…

 **12pm:** Success! Rang Ben and told him to take Jerry on an ice-cream making course (paid for by UNIT) then send me the results. Was perfectly reasonable time in Canada, and so he was happy to chat for a bit as well. Feel much better.

 **13th July 1976** (approx)  
 **10pm:** Hmph. Brigadier just stormed in asking to know why there was a £200 call to Canada on UNIT’s phone bill, and whether it was anything to do with a ridiculously expensive ice cream making course he’d been charged for last week. Told him it had been important world-saving business, but could see he didn't believe me. Feel unwanted, and unappreciated. I save his silly planet all the time. Surely that’s worth a few phone calls?

 **28th August 1976** (approx)  
 **10am:** Woke up from very strange dream about the Master. Am sure it is significant. Told Brigadier, but he wasn’t interested. Told Jo, who immediately brought out a dream interpretation book. Could see she was v. excited, so extra disappointed when she refused to share the book’s insights.

 **11am:** Stole book from Jo’s bag. Am going to read what it says.

 **11.30am:** Dream interpretation is a very woolly science anyway. Am still convinced dream is actually a warning about terrible future danger.

 **1pm:** Have created Master detector from things lying around the workshop. Time to find out what the old villain is up to.

 **10pm:** Turns out: trying to capture and control Chronos. Honestly. V. embarrassing. Particularly the bit where he was on his knees and begging me for his life…

 **10.15pm:** Well, perhaps that bit was OK, now I come to think about it.

 **10.30pm:** Still thinking about Master on knees. V bad.

 **11pm:** Rang Brigadier at home to point out that I was right about my dream. He told me he still didn’t want to hear about any others I might have. The cheek.

 **11.15pm:** Still thinking about Master on knees.

  
**00000 Vortex time**   
  
_Ancient Gallifreyan heroes defeated: 1. Snazzy outfits worn: 1. Ridiculous outfits worn: 2. Pardon from Time Lords’ granted: YES!_

 **00000pm:** Have taken Jo with me. We are off to see Time and Space!

 **00000pm:** Kind of miss the Brigadier though. And Bessie. And Benton. And Yates. A bit. Will be a relief not to run into the Master so often, though.

 **00000pm:** Sigh.

 **Day unknown**  
 **Time unknown** : He shot me! Can’t believe it. Haven’t been shot before. Shot at, yes, but not actually shot. And by the Master too. Feel really poorly. Don’t want to regenerate. Jo’s out somewhere. Had to send a message to stupid Time Lords for help. Daleks everywhere. Everything bad.

 **17th February, 1981** (maybe)  
 **10am:** Back at UNIT. Jo insisted after horrible Dalek/Master experience. It is actually quite nice to be back.

 **11am:** Jo wants to go to Wales. Have tried to tempt her with Metabelius 3, but to no avail.

 **4pm:** Ugh. Back from Metabelius 3. Horrible. Apparently the Brigadier has also gone to Wales. Perhaps I should go too.

 **25th February, 1981** (possibly)  
 **2pm:** Only just woken up. V depressed. Jo has abandoned me to marry some Welshman. My only consolation is that the first batch of ice cream arrived today from Canada. Bless Ben  & Jerry.

 **3pm:** Wonder how long it will be before the Brigadier gets me a new assistant…

 **3.30pm:** Not that anyone could replace Jo.

 **4pm:** Sigh. Wish I still had to fix the TARDIS. At least that would give me something to do.

 **5pm:** Why don’t some aliens attack or something?

 **5.15pm:** What was that?? Can aliens be attacking UNIT?? If so, v good timing. Will go and investigate.

 **26th February, 1981** (potentially)  
 **1am:** Large crash turned out to the Master landing his TARDIS next to my work table, and opening the door into the edge of one of my experiments. Reminded me of Jo’s first day, but fortunately had to deal with the Master’s presence so could not wallow in self pity for long.

Obviously, demanded that he leave immediately, and never so much as look at me again, but he told me that the shooting had been an accident, that he’d meant to shoot a Dalek and was really sorry.

I ‘ha!’-ed at that, but he said no, he’d realised the error of his ways as soon as he’d seen me fall and had been working tirelessly to bring the Daleks down from the inside since then. Of course, did not believe this ridiculous story, but he told me I could ask anyone and they would confirm it. Rang Brax, who said that the Master was telling the truth (in a weary sort of voice that confirmed he'd been having to deal with him for a while), and also that mother wants me to come back to Gallifrey, now I can travel again, for some sort of turkey curry buffet.

Hung up on Brax, and told the Master that just because he’d turned over a new leaf, didn’t mean I forgave him for shooting me. The Master asked whether I would after a nice meal at the Ritz. I said (oh, he’s awake. Should really go back to bed) I would consider it if he got down on his knees again…

V. good.


End file.
